Dream September 2019 : I dreamed I was pregnant and was perplexed by it because I wasn't supposed to be. I was wondering by whom because my husband had a vasectomy. But then I thought it was a miracle from God, and then I thought about my hysterectomy and was wondering how was I going to hold the baby to full term with no uterus. I then struggled with the thought of aborting it to avoid the trauma of losing the baby. ~
What a revelatory dream particularly during that time in my life. I am a dreamer that not only dreams in imagination but God speaks to me during dreams in my sleep. At first it was something I dismissed and didn't give much thought about while growing up and then it became more real and brought on fear due to my lack of understanding. As I began to embrace this gift, God showed me how He speaks. Now this blog is not about dreams, however, I wanted to share how God will give us answers in our dreams so pay attention and write them down immediately to not lose the memory of it. Your answer could come while you sleep.
People have asked me how did I get started with Unfinished Bride and I share some of the story in the blog post: Unfinished Bride: Metamorphosis of Marriage and YouTube. I have always been a writer, the little girl with a diary and then writing novels in my tween years and then a playwright in my teens and adult years. So I was led to start a blog, however, fear would grip me to the core because of various reasons. One was not thinking it was good enough, or worth sharing to others. Who am I? ---- God was challenging all of what was in me; it was a fight inside of me, an unsettling, because I knew there was more to life than what I was doing.
My job was stressing me to the point that I was getting ill more often than I knew I should. I would go to the doctor and they would say all the test were coming back normal. My children and my husband said that you've never been this sick before. I was feeling terrible and drained, so I prayed to God and asked Him to reveal to me what it was. It was my job stress but also my lack of being fulfilled in purpose because my job was consuming my time and all of my energy to even be creative. Despite, I managed to see the goal I committed in January 2018, as we all do at the new year, and one day I looked on the list and saw that once again "start a blog" was just an idea and not a reality. Sis! No more researching and looking at how others started a blog to be inspired. "Stop procrastinating and just do it!" I thought. Finally, in November 2018 I launched this platform. It was exciting and nerve racking, exhilarating and vulnerable all at the same time. But I felt so accomplished and at the moment it was published and promoted, I cringed and belted out a sigh of relief. And from there, it was no turning back.
Now I had to figure out, how to balance this with my stressful circumstances. Stressful job, health issues, marriage and teens who were transitioning to college during that time. I remember crying home one day, telling the Lord I was tired and needed a change. I had never been that unhappy before about working and my life. I wanted to quit but wasn't sure if my husband would be in agreement. I expressed it to my husband and he said to me, "if you do not find another job by the time our daughter graduate (2019), quit the job." God from Heaven, did he just say that to me?! ..... God told me to "prepare for my exit". I was looking for new jobs and other positions in my company to no avail because I like working, I do. However, I could sense that God was not going to allow me to find another job. I mean, I was applying to jobs and positions that I knew I was well qualified for and was getting denied. So I started struggling between faith and fear. My daughter graduates and then I say, "well it's the summer term (I worked at a University), and it will be pretty mild, I'll keep working throughout the summer." Well wouldn't that be the busiest summer we've ever had since I started working there.
August came and I was drained, hindsight it was from not setting boundaries in the workplace. And due to that, I was severely taken advantaged of to help keep the department afloat. God spoke to me one day and said, "I am about to simplify your life." I prayed for courage to walk away and trust Him. He knows that I am a loyalist to a fault and He has to pull me out of the fire in His own way. For the entire month of August, the sermons (*Divine Immigration, The Blind Spot, The Come Back Kid, Grasping the Moment, I'm Sick of This, The Power of Your Sound) that were spoken was confirmation after confirmation from God. It was like He had a bullhorn screaming at me that THIS IS IT, THIS IS THE TIME, DON'T MISS THE MOMENT!!! I submitted my resignation and walked out that day feeling like I was released from jail. Of course, I left properly as we should always leave a place in good standing. Fast forward, I left my job, doors opened up for me to start teaching women who are homeless and formerly incarcerated. My website improved, followers increased, bills are paid, two kids are in college, health improved, finishing my degree and I am happier then I've been in a long time, still busy, but I am fulfilling my purpose.
Just as my dream spoke, I was pregnant with a baby (purpose, idea, vision, dream) and I second guessed it as we all often do to avoid the vulnerability of being uncomfortable. No birthing is comfortable. I thought of every reason why this "baby" shouldn't come forth. Who was it from? How can I be pregnant when my husband can't support the baby? He's infertile, deficient, incapable too. Then you get the confidence to do it. Oh wait, but I don't have the capacity to carry this baby either. We repeat our fears, our anxieties, our insecurities and what we lack to accomplish it over and over. Then we think ourselves into defeat and want to abort (discontinue, give up, kill) what we know God has placed in us to do because we don't want to endure the pain of failing. WAKE UP! The pain of not birthing your baby will be what "kills" you the most.
You CONCEIVE, you CARRY, you are in LABOR, Your Midwife tells you to PUSH, Now what will you DELIVER?
*sermons referenced are located on Bishop T.D. Jakes YouTube channel
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