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Why We Pursue Those Who Reject Us: The Psychology Behind Our Deepest Fears

We’ve all been there—caught in a loop of chasing someone who seems to constantly push us away as in emotionally unavailable. It might be a romantic interest, a distant parent, or even a friend who never seems to make time for you. The rejection stings, yet something inside compels us to keep seeking their approval, hoping that maybe this time will be different. Why do we do this? Why do we chase after the very people who reject us? The answer lies in the complex psychology of our deepest fears and unmet emotional needs.


The Story We Tell Ourselves: Imagine a child who reaches out to their parent, looking for love, validation, and attention. Sometimes the parent responds, but more often than not, they’re emotionally unavailable—caught up in their own world, leaving the child longing for connection. That child might grow up believing that love is something earned, not freely given. They begin to chase love, thinking that if they try hard enough, they’ll finally be enough to win someone over.


Fast forward to adulthood, and this pattern continues. We find ourselves in relationships where we keep seeking the attention of someone who is indifferent or emotionally distant. It’s as if we’re reliving that childhood story, trying to rewrite the ending. We believe that if we can finally get the approval of the person who rejects us, it will prove our worth.

The Bible reminds us in Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” God never calls us to beg for love or validation. Instead, He desires for us to find security in Him and recognize our worth. So why do we still chase after people who make us feel unseen, unwanted, or unworthy?


The Psychology Behind the Chase: The need to chase those who reject us often stems from a deep-rooted fear of abandonment and unworthiness. At the core of this behavior are two psychological concepts:


  1. Fear of Abandonment: Rejection taps into one of our most primal fears—being left behind or abandoned. For some, the fear of being alone is so strong that they’ll endure rejection repeatedly, just to avoid the emptiness of being without the person they desire. This fear is often rooted in childhood experiences where love and attention were conditional, inconsistent, or withheld altogether.


  2. The Scarcity Principle: The idea that something is more valuable when it’s scarce plays a powerful role in why we chase those who reject us. If someone is hard to get or emotionally unavailable, we start to believe that their love or approval is worth more. The rejection amplifies the desire, and we become fixated on obtaining what seems just out of reach.


  3. Trying to Heal the Past: Sometimes, we pursue those who reject us because, deep down, we believe if we can get them to love us, it will heal the wounds left by past rejections. This could stem from a parent who withheld affection, a past relationship that ended painfully, or years of feeling unseen.


  4. The Dopamine Effect: Rejection can trigger the brain’s reward system. When someone occasionally gives us attention and then pulls away, our brain craves more, just like an addiction. This intermittent reinforcement keeps us trapped in a cycle of seeking approval, even when it’s harmful.


  5. Low Self-Worth: If we don’t truly believe we deserve a love that is consistent, safe, and mutual, we may settle for one that is unpredictable and painful. We confuse love with emotional highs and lows instead of seeking steady, healthy connection.


The Emotional High of Pursuit: Interestingly, rejection can also trigger a psychological reward system in the brain. Chasing someone who rejects us activates the same neural pathways as gambling or thrill-seeking behavior. The intermittent reinforcement—the occasional moments of attention mixed with rejection—keeps us hooked. When the person finally gives us a little bit of what we crave, it feels like a huge reward, and we keep coming back for more, despite the pain.


Breaking Free: Understanding why we chase rejection is the first step toward breaking free from the cycle. Here are some ways to shift your focus and heal:

  1. Acknowledge Your Fears: Take time to reflect on your deepest fears. Are you afraid of being alone? Do you feel like you’re not worthy of love unless someone “chooses” you? Recognizing these fears allows you to address them directly instead of letting them control your behavior.

  2. Challenge Your Beliefs About Love: Many of us have internalized the idea that love must be earned through suffering or persistence. But real love doesn’t require you to chase it—it should be reciprocal, freely given, and rooted in mutual respect. Challenge the belief that rejection means there’s something wrong with you.

  3. Prioritize Self-Worth: When you chase after someone who consistently rejects you, it often means you’re neglecting your own worth. Start building a strong sense of self by investing in your passions, friendships, and personal growth. Remember, you don’t need someone else’s validation to feel valuable.

  4. Recognize Red Flags Early: One of the healthiest ways to stop chasing rejection is by recognizing the signs early. If someone is emotionally unavailable or dismissive of your needs, it’s a sign that they’re not ready or willing to give you what you deserve. Instead of falling into the trap of pursuit, protect your emotional health by walking away.

  5. Stop Romanticizing Rejection: Just because someone is distant doesn’t mean they’re worth your effort. A relationship should be a place of peace, not a source of anxiety. If someone consistently rejects you, let them go and make space for someone who will love you freely.

  6. Seek Healing from the Past: If childhood experiences of emotional neglect or inconsistent love are influencing your current behavior, consider seeking support through therapy or counseling. Healing those deep wounds can help you break the cycle of chasing after people who mirror those old hurts.

  7. Set Boundaries and Walk Away: Love should be mutual. If someone repeatedly pushes you away, it’s time to respect their actions as a clear sign and move forward. Setting emotional boundaries protects your heart from unnecessary pain.

  8. Trust God’s Plan for Love: God will never lead you to a love that requires you to beg for it. Psalm 46:5 says, “God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.” Trust that the right love will not require you to chase—it will come with peace and security.


Chasing those who reject us is often a way of reliving unresolved emotional wounds from the past. But we don’t have to stay stuck in that pattern. By understanding the psychology behind our behavior and confronting our fears, we can free ourselves from the cycle of rejection and move toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Love isn’t something we should have to chase; it’s something that is given willingly, without conditions or barriers.


It’s time to break the cycle of chasing those who reject us. Your worth is not determined by someone else’s ability to love you. Instead, focus on healing, growing, and preparing yourself for a love that is healthy, mutual, and life-giving.


Have you ever found yourself chasing after someone who rejected you? How did it make you feel, and what helped you break free from that cycle? Share your thoughts in the comments below—let’s learn from each other’s experiences.

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