"Let's Talk About Sex Baby, Let's Talk About You and Me"
Just as love and communication is important to a marriage, sex is also a key component that has the potential to cause friction in relationships if not understood by both parties. We will hit on more of this topic in future articles, however, I want to share what I Wish I Knew Prior To Marriage that did not come to mind that is important to discuss in your relationship.
Are they(you) a virgin or practicing abstinence?
Does it matter how many sexual partners they (you) have been with? Is that a deal breaker? Will it be used against you later in the relationship? Is it up for discussion?
Have they (you) been tested? Being tested makes you more aware and it is important to know the status of your mate prior to connecting for life.
How much sex is expected? Like for real, this is often an unspoken language and expectation of couples. One may have a higher sex drive than the other. One may feel like it is a must to have sex each day and the other may feel like once a week is enough. One may feel spontaneous (as many times as they feel like it; unplanned) and one may be a scheduler (plan the days and times when it is best; clockwork; predictable). Setting realistic expectations at each stage of the relationship is necessary. Consider the age, health, kids, amount of work done each day, work hours, schedules, etc. as these things can often interrupt a good sexual experience.
Other sexual acts in the marital relationship. Will they be accepted or opposed? Establishing early what is something that you will be unwilling to do or uncomfortable with?
Were they molested or raped? How does that affect the sexual experience? Being sexually assaulted can deeply affect how you view sex, how comfortable you are with sex and your body. I strongly suggest that if anyone has been sexually assaulted to seek counseling to receive healing. Also have this conversation with your mate if it gets serious enough to marry the person because these things will affect the relationship if not properly healed.
A discussion about pornography. Were they exposed to pornography at a young age? Pornography is one of those taboo things that most people don't talk about as it is one of those dirty little secrets. With today's technology and easy accessibility, it is widely spreading into people's lives. Being exposed to it at a young age, definitely will give a person a warp and unrealistic view of sex. It becomes a fantasy that has the potential to become a sickness in the heart as there are people that would rather watch porn than have sex with their spouse. Or need porn in order to be in the mood to have sex with their spouse. It is not just a guy thing, but many females are also participating in the act of watching. A lot of sexuality, high sex drive, weird acts, immoral acts of sex, adultery, uncomfortable requests, etc. derives from excessive views of pornography. Knowing how sex is viewed in your mate is vital to purity and intimacy in the marriage bed.
What do they feel about adultery? Don't assume that their values are the same as yours. What did they grow up believing and seeing in the relationships of others as that could've been a silent influence in their life. For instance, most young males are praised by older men for being a "ladies man", or when a female is dumped by a boy or he is not treating her right, it is said "there are more fish in the sea", these type of innuendos can subliminally be embedded in the psyche to encourage this behavior.
What would be the limit that will contribute to the act of adultery? Of course it shouldn't be any limit as it should not be an option in marriage. People are driven by their own lust. No one will ever be 100% in any relationship and if there is a reason given on what will cause them to commit adultery, let that be a red flag and these issues will need to be worked out prior to marriage.
These are just a few things that I wish I knew that should be considered and discussed. Sex is a Godly act in marriage and needs to be revered as sacred and pure. When it is tainted by acts that will cause your mate to feel uncomfortable or less than, you will not receive the intimacy that God intended. Both parties need to be in agreement and no other person should be introduced in the marriage bed because it is an immoral act of adultery.
Lord thank you for the gift of sex in the marriage relationship as it provides us with the highest intimacy and love between two people. Help us to not taint it with worldly acts. Cleanse us from all the sinful, immoral, predatory acts and thoughts that will separate us from experiencing pure intimacy in our marriage. Remove the images and any guilt or shame that was inflicted on our souls. Purify us and help our sexual experience with our spouse be rooted in love and not fear. Improve self image and self worth in order to be at our most comfortable in pleasing our spouse. Help us to consider each other and be patient, gentle and loving. And when things are dull, help us to find our way back to each other with our love that will stir up passion and desire for one another. In Jesus Name!
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