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Honest Conversations in Relationships

During this time of the pandemic, it has been noted that the divorce rates have spiked tremendously. While we know that COVID19 has been a hard season indeed, I believe it is not totally responsible for the increase in divorces, however, it has exasperated the underlying conditions that were already present in marriage. Being in close proximity during the stay-at-home period, no school for the children (which brought on an extra responsibility and chaos that would normally not happen during the weekday), fear and illness, grief for many, anxiety upraise, loss of income, and the list can go on and on. These added pressures can send any struggling marriage over the edge.

My marriage has been challenged during this period in unexpected ways. However, it was a needed pruning to heal us individually and produce greater results in us from biblical standards.

Jesus said that "every branch in me that bear no fruit, He take it away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes, that it may bear more fruit" - John 15:2

If I can be honest, this was the first year that I've ever wanted to leave my husband (out loud). You see we've been married for nearly 20 years next month and when two people have been together that long, not including dating, you began to evolve (to develop gradually, especially from a simple to a more complex form). That evolving gradually develops us either into becoming a better person in love and character or a person that waxes cold, become distant and bitter in the relationship. We were somewhere in between and God is so rich in Grace that He nudges our contentment in existing in our "normal" by allowing that world of normalcy to be shaken in chaos in order to awaken us to our best potential. Year 2020 has been that for many, in more ways than one. We can either hate that it existed or love what it is producing in us in spite of.

For my relationship, it opened up a series of Honest Conversations. Many of which were brutally honest and uncomfortable but healed us in so many ways. True love comes with the freedom to be honest with one another. When relationships are not birthed in honesty, it will destroy the intimacy in its highest form. This will be especially hard for a codependent person because as much as one believes in boundaries, we fear setting them ( or be honest about our feelings) due to fear of consequences. If you don't have honest conversations, then you are building a relationship based on a false sense of security and closeness. And it is possible that your feelings will be confused by hurt and fear. Healing begins with honesty in relationships.

The Bible and all relationship research is very clear on this issue: people who can handle confrontation and feedback are the ones who can make relationships work. You must find out, sooner rather than later, if the person you are with is someone you can talk to. If you get serious with someone who cannot take feedback about hurt or conflict, then you are headed for a lifetime of aloneness, resentment, and perhaps even abuse. (

Proverbs puts it well concerning a person who cannot take confrontation:

"Do not rebuke a mocker (a disagreeable and unpleasant person) or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you" (Proverbs 9:8).
"A mocker resents correction; he will not consult the wise" (Proverbs 15:12).

You have to be offended to not be offended. In other words, accept the truth about yourself.

Next Blog: How to start an honest conversations? and What are the outcomes of having honest conversations.

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